Peer Conflict and Bullying: What are the differences? How can you support?
Mar 19, 2018
A child came home one day upset announced someone bullied him. When asked what happened, “I am fat and stupid” was the child’s reply. “No, you are not”, a parent answered.... “But, “D” said “I’m fat and stupid” and the child cried more... Of course, as a parent you may feel hurt and anger at the other child who said it. But your responses can make a lot of difference to your child’s wellbeing.
Nowadays we heard lots of “bullying” allegations as compared to normal “peer conflict or a fights”. It is important to distinguish the differences between the two in order to respond effectively..
It is important to listen not only to what a child is saying but how he/she feels. Be proactive rather than reactive. As a parent, it’s normal to feel angry and hurt listening to your teen or children’s hurt. Take a deep breath, look after yourself first when you feel you are emotionally hijacked. Your strong emotions and judgement can be subconsciously unloaded on to your child or teen. “If my parents know…. They will worry and feel angry”. The last thing the child needs during a tough time is to rescue parents’ emotional state, which most of the time adds to their burden. Self-regulation and self-care of a parent will assure a child/teen’s safety and is also a powerful parenting tool to model.
How to support when your child is bullied:
(Excerpt from Nexus Anti-Bullying Policy)
A child can be a bully when persistently justifies abusive action by saying…” we are just kidding” or “She started it”, “He made me…” He deserves it”. This behaviour needs to stop as soon as possible by considering the following:
What else did you do?
How do you feel when …….?
How did he/she feel when you……?
Have you spoken to your teacher?
What can you do next time?
What difference would it make if……….?
Malou Bromley, our Nexus Whole School Counsellor was the guest speaker on Stress Management in the Australian National Leaders' Summit, an initiative organised by the Malaysian Students’ Council of Australia, held in KDU. One of the student leaders who organised the event was our former learner Kenny Ng.
It was an interactive gathering which covered issues concerning parental pressures, healthy/unhealthy stress and the impact of culture, family and technology on stress and how to get through it.
For further information or for any parental related concerns you can contact Malou Bromley:
bromley.m@nexus.edu.my or +60 3 8889 3868
Nowadays we heard lots of “bullying” allegations as compared to normal “peer conflict or a fights”. It is important to distinguish the differences between the two in order to respond effectively..
It is important to listen not only to what a child is saying but how he/she feels. Be proactive rather than reactive. As a parent, it’s normal to feel angry and hurt listening to your teen or children’s hurt. Take a deep breath, look after yourself first when you feel you are emotionally hijacked. Your strong emotions and judgement can be subconsciously unloaded on to your child or teen. “If my parents know…. They will worry and feel angry”. The last thing the child needs during a tough time is to rescue parents’ emotional state, which most of the time adds to their burden. Self-regulation and self-care of a parent will assure a child/teen’s safety and is also a powerful parenting tool to model.
How to support when your child is bullied:
(Excerpt from Nexus Anti-Bullying Policy)
- Do not justify or offer reasons of being bullied. Your support is more important than the proof of lack of self-worth. Remember at this point in time the child has no control over the situation.
- Contact the school immediately. Don’t take any action yourself to reprimand the bully.
- Help work on some coping strategies if you can.
- Encourage to ignore any name-calling –let her/him understand that name-calling cannot hurt if she/he doesn’t let it.
- Focus on the things s/he does well.
- The trauma experienced can have a negative long- lasting impact after the bully stop. Contact the school’s Counsellor for further support.
A child can be a bully when persistently justifies abusive action by saying…” we are just kidding” or “She started it”, “He made me…” He deserves it”. This behaviour needs to stop as soon as possible by considering the following:
- Re-evaluate the way you discipline the child
- How do you communicate to the child, are you positive or negative?
- How do you resolve conflicts?
- The amount of time the child is watching TV and playing computer games. Is the child exposed to inappropriate and violent cyber materials?
- Is the child anxious or scared about his/her home environment?
- Contact the school’s Guidance Counsellor for further support.
- Listen, Connect and Support. Non- Blaming stance encourages self- responsibility and finding own solution.
- If there’s an assault or verbal abuse contact the school immediately.
- Engage in a restorative chat iby asking:
What else did you do?
How do you feel when …….?
How did he/she feel when you……?
Have you spoken to your teacher?
What can you do next time?
What difference would it make if……….?
Stay tune for next week's continuation: Difference between bullying and peer conflict
Malou Bromley, our Nexus Whole School Counsellor was the guest speaker on Stress Management in the Australian National Leaders' Summit, an initiative organised by the Malaysian Students’ Council of Australia, held in KDU. One of the student leaders who organised the event was our former learner Kenny Ng.
It was an interactive gathering which covered issues concerning parental pressures, healthy/unhealthy stress and the impact of culture, family and technology on stress and how to get through it.
For further information or for any parental related concerns you can contact Malou Bromley:
bromley.m@nexus.edu.my or +60 3 8889 3868
